My Dialogue Pet Peeves

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I'm so picky about dialogue. Probably too picky. But it's people! Talking! And they gotta sound real!! I know everyone tries so hard to make dialogue sound good, but there are just some things I see over and over that pull me out of the narrative and make me go 'well yuck'.

Bear in mind that these are opinions. They're subjective, you don't have to listen to me. I'm just talking about it because I want to.

So let's go!

'he presented' 'she queried' 'he cautioned' 

Just seriously, don't use a distracting, complicated word when 'said' will work just fine. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with plenty of other dialogue tags, but some of them are just useless. I can tell he's cautioning because he's saying "be careful!" Honestly when I see the word 'queried' being used instead of 'said' it just sets my teeth on edge.

And on another note, sometimes a good dialogue tag can help convey the way the character said what they said. If you say they pleaded, or they offered, or they ventured, I can understand the tone. And sometimes a fancy dialogue tag can be used to add humor. But there are some others you can do without.

Characters using overly fancy words in dialogue. 

This is a realism thing, and it's kind of counterintuitive. I know that in real life sometimes people use bigger words in their speech, and it sounds normal. But there's a difference between hearing it and seeing it on the page. If I'm seeing a character using big words in a normal sentence, it reads as stiff and formal.

For example:

If your character is modern or just has a more modern way of speaking, don't say 'cannot' if 'can't' will do. Don't say 'I often enjoy French cuisine' if it would sound more natural for them to say 'I like French food'. See? It's just less stiff.

Lol! he replied.

Honestly, this is more of a joke than anything(because I did see it used ironically in a book the other day and just thought it was funny), but if you're using text terms in dialogue, just plz no. (unless it's something like FYI or something else people actually say, and I'll warn you sometimes even then it looks weird)

?! and ??

I kind of have mixed feelings on these. Here's the thing about the question mark/exclamation mark and double question mark thing. I used to use them a lot, and even now I still do if I'm really going for humor or if I think it's the right time and place, but I do feel that they should be used very sparingly, because a lot like some other things on this list, it sort of pulls the reader out of the narrative and makes them notice the words rather than the feeling the words are trying to convey. If the character is going to ask a big question? Put it in italics. Like so(this is a brief quote from RCOBI, btw):

 Wick took a moment to process, then collected himself to say what he was going to say next. “Why is there a river in the bag?”

People talking for too long without any dialogue tags.

"Hello," Karen said.

"Hello," Bob replied.

"I've been meaning to call you."

"So have I."

"It's been a long time since we talked."

"I agree."
"How long has it been? Three months?"

"I think it's been four."

By now I've already lost track of who's talking and I'm just hearing the same gender-neutral voice talking over and over instead of Karen and Bob.

WHEN THEY'RE YELLING BUT FOR SOME REASON THE FONT IS SMALLER??

 Seriously what's going on with this. My brain is reading it as 'loud but quiet', and I dunno how to process that. If it's gonna be loud it should be LOUD.

The s-s-stutter thing. 

THAT AIN'T HOW STUTTERING WORKS M'BOY.

Real stuttering is- is stopping and- stopping and starting over. Repeating, repeating words because the character is either distracted or unsure or just has a stutter in the first place. I don't know who started the s-s-stutter thing but I revoke their quill pen.

What are your dialogue pet peeves? Do you know why the font is always smaller when there's a sentence in all caps? Let's talk in the comments!